


(i love) a ghost

by smallshadowybird



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, RIP, i don't know why i write these, i torture myself too, really fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 20:57:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9256979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallshadowybird/pseuds/smallshadowybird
Summary: Sometimes when Sugawara closes his eyes, he can still remember everything vividly, but even he knows that Daichi will get mad if he just mopes around forever.“A flower for all the times I told you I loved you, and a tear for all the times I couldn’t.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> the work is loosely based off of "i just loved you - in love with a ghost", but i didn't exactly count it as a songfic because i based it more off of the feeling of the song rather than the (barely-existant) lyrics. check it out, though! some gooooooood shit

**i**.

 

The first time Sugawara tells Daichi that he loves him, he doesn’t mean it with serious connotations. The word is said jokingly, which is something that Sugawara still regrets to this day.

It’s in their first year when the Captain promises to take them to get pork buns after practice. They learn it’s tradition, and it’s almost as though the pork buns symbolize a ticket into the team’s camaraderie.

Sugawara and Daichi have been friends for a few months now, and it happens when the team is making jokes about Daichi’s mature nature but childish mistakes. Daichi is frowning, and protesting, making excuses that he got in a fight for a reason, he promises, and—

Sugawara laughs his concern off, like a breeze in the air, and says, “Daichi-san, don’t worry! Relax, you know everyone loves you.”

Although it isn’t directly from Sugawara to Daichi, he still notices how Daichi’s face goes a little pink at the comment and he goes oddly silent as the team members laugh and agree.

 

 

**ii**.

  
The next time he tells Daichi he loves him is three in the morning on a school night while texting. Both have scolded the other on for being awake but neither can find themselves ending the conversation.

When Sugawara asks for a reason, all he gets is a bunch of white text in a little, forest green speech bubble in their custom colour. When he reads it, he can feel his heart do backflips because the times that Daichi sends Suga texts like this is when Suga is the most certain that Daichi will be the death of him.

‘Well maybe if you weren’t so sweet or fun to talk to, this wouldn’t be a problem.’

It’s one of those phrases. The one that sends a warm feeling throughout his insides and it feels as though his heart’s turned into a butterfly conservatory.

Suga stares at his screen for a bit, grinning like an idiot. He knows that Daichi must be getting suspicious at the lack of response but he can’t exactly find one that would fit the situation well enough.

A sting pierces the back of his heart at the same time since Daichi has done a fairly good job of keeping his feelings towards Sugawara ambiguous and even Sugawara can’t deny the excitement of the chase but he is still ailed by the frustration.

So instead, he suffices for what he can safely do. He moves the glare of the light off of his eyes and the metal of the phone, right around the camera area, meets his lips. He exhales deeply for a second in a sort of melancholic sigh and whispers the three words he wants to say most to him.

“I love you.”

 

 

**iii**.

  
When Sugawara finally grows the nerve to tell Daichi out front, he does it whole-heartedly.

He’s been planning it for a while—ever since he’s confirmed that yes, it was definitely, certainly, absolutely true that he was in love with his best friend—he’s run the confession simulation in his head a gazillion times. A gazillion plus one, if he counts the ten seconds leading up to the moment.

Daichi’s walking Sugawara home as they have been doing for the past month (half-jokingly, half because they want to), and they stop at the front door as per routine for their usual five-to-ten minute lingering conversation because neither really want to leave but both have to.

Today is different. Sugawara doesn’t know how he decides that today is definitely different, but it just is, and that’s why when Daichi is leaving Sugawara takes a deep breath and says—

“I have a little crush on you.”

That phrase alone is enough for Daichi to turn back around, incredulous expression, wide eyes, and open mouth, but Sugawara does not digress.

“Maybe a bit more than a little. Maybe a big. I don’t know. It’s been two years, and I just—I thought I’d say it? I don’t know.” He gives a half-hearted, nervous laugh and grabs a fistful of hair at the back of his head, unsure of whether he wants to brush it down or pull it out. “But I do love everything about you.”

Daichi gives out his awkward laugh (the kind he gives when he’s embarrassed, Sugawara notes), and says, “Yeah. I do, too.”

 

 

**iv.**

  
It’s not a special occasion when Sugawara says it the fourth time.

About a year has passed since they’ve decided to go official, for whatever the title’s worth, and it’s just a casual Saturday as they watch a movie on their couch.

Surprisingly, Daichi’s always been the more emotional one when it came to watching movies and Suga’s more teasing laugh and jab at how emotional he’s getting. Any movie was nice to watch with Daichi, because while Daichi was engrossed in the plot of the movie as it was designed to be, Sugawara had other means of entertainment.

They’re rewatching a classic Disney movie and Daichi and Sugawara break out in a fit of laughter after singing all the lyrics together. It’s when the laughter dies down that Sugawara fondly says, “I love you.”

Daichi is stunned into silence, but then a grin cracks at his face. Sugawara is confused for a second until Daichi says, “I know.”

The line from the Emperor Strikes Back has Sugawara laughing all over again, and Daichi laughs along with him before saying, “I love you, too.”

 

 

**v.**

  
Silence echoes. A meaningless phrase, meant to give characteristics to something that isn’t supposed to have qualities.

It didn’t make it any less true.

The room is white, Sugawara notices, and he wonders if that’s supposed to have any psychological effect. It definitely has one on Sugawara; he feels as though he’s in Heaven. The doctor has already condemned Daichi, he knows, since he simply stands next to Sugawara as he says his final goodbyes, like St. Peter waiting at the doors of Heaven.

But none of that matters, because there could be no way that this was Sugawara’s Heaven. Sanctuary was the way that Daichi would hug him and whisper consoling words after long and hard days. Paradise was quiet conversations at 2 a.m.. Heaven was something that Sugawara found in Daichi, and if loving him was a sin he would've gladly gone to hell rather than see Daichi here.

And perhaps this is only the fifth time that Sugawara says it, but it’s also the sixth, and the seventh, and the eighth, and however many-th time he says it that day because he doesn’t remember counting the amount but he remembers pressing his head against Daichi’s and almost squeezing his hand as though trying to hold onto any piece of him he can and he just whispers, over and over, “I love you. I love you. I love you, please. I love you. I love you.”

He feels a wisp of warm air on his face, and he realizes that it’s Daichi’s breath. He separates from him, and presses his ear to Daichi’s mouth to try and hear whatever he’s saying.

It’s breathy and separated by long pauses. Although the words wouldn’t be interpreted easily normally, there’s nothing else Sugawara can mistake it for in this context.  
“I—love—you.”

After that, the warmth in the hand Sugawra holds disappears, along with Daichi. While I clutch the acacia flowers on one hand, I break the silence with sobs.  
A single flat note comes out from the heart monitor.

Sugawara cries.

And cries.

And cries.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara stands alone. It’s not that quiet, exactly. The wind is faint, but can still be heard in his ears. The location isn’t far enough away from a main street that cars cannot be heard, either, and Sugawara can still hear distant car horns.

Despite the obvious background noise, it gets increasingly quieter as Sugawara drowns in his thoughts. He’s gone.

Daichi’s gone.

Sugwara knows that, but he still speaks.

“Hey, Daichi.” He starts with an introduction, as though he expects an answer. He knows that’s stupid, and he gives a dry laugh. Still, his feelings are very sincere and he whispers, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

He pauses for a second. What would Daichi want to hear, he wonders, before speaking again.

“Don’t worry. I didn’t destroy myself, or anything. I’m not going to follow you soon after either, since I know you’ll just get mad. Sorry for being a little selfish, but I know you don’t mind waiting. When I get there, make sure to give me a nice tour, okay?”

He chokes back on his tears.

“Ah, everyone’s doing well too! They were a little shaken—especially Asahi-san, you know how emotional he can be sometimes, haha—” he goes quiet suddenly after a crack in his voice is exposed, and takes a deep breath in before he continues. “Even Hinata and Kageyama were surprised, you know. I guess they’ve realized they’re not invincible, either. Kiyoko-san hasn’t shown up to practices, but… that’s a given. I think Coach Ukai will cancel practice for a week because everyone’s so off…”

Sugawara lets out a weak laugh. “I’m sure you just want everything to go how it was before, don’t you? As though you’re just absent.”

It takes a few minutes before he says, “I don’t think I can do that, sorry.”

The quiet envelops them again, and Sugawara waits for at least five—maybe ten minutes before he remembers why he’s here.

“Oh, right! Got you flowers. I know you weren’t much of a flower fan, since they always died on you, but I’ll take care of them and replace them, okay? I won’t forget. If I’m gone for over a month, then you’ll know I’m with you.”

Sugawara lightly places the red chrysanthemums on Daichi’s tombstone and smiles because at the very least he’s brought a bit of colour back to Daichi.

It’s a few more minutes before he says his goodbye, and as he’s leaving, although ephemeral, he can almost faintly hear his three favourite words in the world float by in the wind,

“I—love—you.”

**Author's Note:**

> okay idk why either but it was fun to do regardless. i just really wanted to post a short story up  
> hey i was gonna make it a new years thing but then...
> 
> yeah
> 
> so anyways. it's still better than the BokuAka fic i had of the same type, but just as sad. i wanted to do something fluffy but it looks like i can't put my hands on a piece of writing without making it extremely dark, depressing, or both. whatever. 
> 
> so it goes.


End file.
